Facing Hostilities at the Western Montana LGBTQ+ Community Center

Not All in the Community Welcome

by David Stalling

Last week I went to the Western Montana LGBTQ+ Community Center to attend its two-year anniversary celebration and Pride kickoff event.

The Center promotes itself, in part, as “a hub for connection, care, and belonging. Whether you’re seeking community, resources, or simply a place to land, you are welcome here.”

I wish that were true. In my experience, it has not been.

I used to be very active with the Center and the local LGBTQ+ community. At one point, I even served on the Board of Directors.

Over the years, I volunteered, helped raise money, wrote about the organization, participated in a weekly Men’s Group, attended potlucks and retreats, took photos for the group, and even spent several days helping move the Center into its current location.

Over time, though, I backed away from my involvement. No matter how hard I tried, I never felt like I fit in. I never truly felt welcome.

I've made a few friends there, but many people have always seemed cliquish, unfriendly, and standoffish. For a group that promotes acceptance, I have often found it surprisingly unaccepting of those who don't fit within its social circles. No matter how long I stayed involved, I always felt like an outsider.

Recent attempts to reengage only reinforced that feeling.

In my original version of this story, I referred to a person associated with the Center without naming him because I didn't think his identity mattered. His name is Sheldon. I later learned that he no longer works there. Over multiple interactions, I have found him dismissive and rude toward me. Recently, after previously telling me online to "piss off" and blocking me when I asked why he was upset with me, I saw him at the event and approached him politely.

I simply asked, "Can I speak to you for a second?"

His response was immediate: "No." He then turned around and walked away.

That was it. No conversation. No discussion. No attempt to resolve whatever issue existed between us. Just a refusal to engage.

Unfortunately, the story became even stranger after I published my original post.

A current Center employee named Jimi apparently believed I was referring to him. I was not. Nevertheless, he contacted me and sent a series of hostile messages. He called me a “fucking liar,” a “piece of shit,” insulted me repeatedly, and made statements that I perceived as threatening. I tried to explain that I had not been talking about him and honestly did not understand why he thought I was.

Before I could resolve the misunderstanding, he blocked me.

(This is a apparently a favorite tactic of Center staff: make wrong assumptions, accuse people of things they didn’t do, verbally attack and threaten those people you falsely accuse,  and then block them before they can respond.) 

Later, I spoke with David, the Center's director. David assured me he would look into the situation and clarify the misunderstanding. He later informed me that Jimi had been told that my original post was not about him, had nothing to do with him, and that I had been referring to someone else entirely.

I was told I could expect an apology. Instead, I received additional hostile messages from Jimi.

Despite learning that his assumption had been incorrect, Jimi repeated the insults and threats and insisted I owed him an apology.

I’m still trying to figure out how that apology might sound:

“Jimi, please assume to accept my most sincere apologies for not having done what you assumed I did and wrongly accused me of and then insulted, threatened and blocked me over, even though I didn’t do it, and now, despite all the evidence and facts to the contrary, you apparently still think I did it even though I didn’t, because you’re not one to let facts get in the way of what you want to wrongly assume and believe . . . Anyway, please assume I’m sorry for the things you wrongly assumed.”

To summarize: he made an incorrect assumption about something I wrote, reacted to his incorrect assumptions by insulting, threatening and then blocking me, learned that his assumption was mistaken, but then continued insulting and threatening me and then insisted that I owed him an apology.

He even added this: “My name better never come out of your mouth again,” and “Please don't ever reach out to me in any way ever again.”

I still don't understand the logic. It’s bizarre. It’s baffling. It makes no sense. And yes, this is a guy representing the Center.

As many people know, I struggle with PTSD and other mental health challenges related both to my service in a Marine Corps Force Recon unit and to years of shame, guilt, and self-hatred connected to growing up gay. I work hard to manage those issues. I try to take responsibility for my behavior, acknowledge my mistakes, learn from them, make amends when necessary, and become a better person.

Hostility, personal attacks, and perceived threats can be significant triggers for those issues. Particularly my Marine Corps issues. In fact, the stress from this situation became severe enough that I sought medical help and medication last night to help calm myself down.

You would think a place that presents itself as a source of community, support, understanding, and belonging would show some empathy toward people facing these kinds of struggles. My experience has been the opposite.

This is not the first negative interaction I have had with people associated with the Center. It is simply the latest and, for me, the final one.

I am sure many people have had positive experiences there. If you are part of the Center's inner circle, you may very well feel welcomed and supported.

That has not been my experience.

For me, this was the final straw. It will be the last time I make an effort to be involved with the Western Montana LGBTQ+ Community Center.

After years of trying to find a place there, I have finally accepted that it is not a place where I feel welcomed, respected, or supported.